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|Wednesday, December 18th, 2013|
<title>AndyWear's Xanga Blog</title>
<wp:site_title>AndyWear's Xanga Site</wp:site_title>
|Thursday, September 9th, 2004|
|one of those "oh well" days.
Ah...it's been a few weeks now since I've been back from the trip and boy....do i still miss her. I'm feeling better, but I still think about the girl all the time. When I start feeling better, I go online and see her just there and active, I become sad again. Ah....man I like her too much I need to forget about it. I don't want to block her from my list, because I don't want to lose her. I wonder if we're gonna still be friend now. I know she feels wierd around me now, probably the reason why they don't ask me to go out with them anymore really. I don't feel like doing much anymore really. I wish there was something about me to impress her, but the more I try, the more unimpressed she seem. She likes to criticize me a lot and say things to me with a hidden message that kinda hurts my feelings. Ah well...I wish she liked me. I know I'm not tall, nor am I good looking, but she should just at least give me a chance. If ever she wanted someone who really cares, its me. I thought I wanted to know if she wanted to be with me or not, but when I found out the answer....I wish I was ignorant. So if nothing ever happens, I hope we can still be friends and let the wierdness slide.
|Tuesday, August 24th, 2004|
|Hear my Cry
Lately I've been having dreams about Ha(Oui). In each dream I'm always encountering her and somehow asking her out on a date. I find out she likes me in the dreams, but when I wake up it's all wishy washy gone. I don't remember it much either except for those facts. I know I had short bliss and that each dream starts over with me coming up with a new way to ask her out and a new day out with her It was just a dream, knowing that, it cuts me inside. The last few mornings I laid on my bed looking up towards the ceiling pondering empty thoughts with her appearing translucent atop passing me by with a slow graceful swish of her hair. She turned her body away from me, distancing through the white opacitated horizon. I wanted to reach my arms out and grab her and tell her to come back, but I know its fake and just a halucination. My face stares pale towards the corned ceiling as I watch. It hits me, the ocean in my heart wants to scream its wave, I toss to the side and close my eyes continuing on with torture. Feeling like this sucks, it makes me not want to do anything at all. I feel weakened. I'm not sure if I feel lonely, or just feel w/out her. This whole year, every girl I've liked, turned out to be pscyhos or have a reason to not want to give me a chance. What if Ha is the same. Nancy said she tried to hook me up with her before and she said no. I wonder how she said it. I wonder if she was shy or something. Nancy also said Ha likes guys who are jerks. I'm far from being a jerk so do I even have a chance? Every time I sit next to this chick, I want to wrap my arms around her and just hug her tight and hoping she would laugh and smile and hold me back like we're a couple. I remember when I thought she was really stupid and an inconsiderate little brat. I thought she was a girl who thought she was hotstuff and gets whatever she wants. The chick criticized and always called me shortie. SHES SHORTER!!
I admit though, I was a jackass first. Back then I use to be so carefree and happy all the time, said whatever the hell I want. Now everything worries me, I feel like my life is on the line. Carefree was a thing of the past. I'm so shy now, I'm so stressed out and can't think right anymore. I remember I use to call her FOB all the time, I think she got pissed at me or something and we just stopped talking for a long time. Either that or she just got busy with school and all that stuff. I didn't know her much really, except the fact that she was pretty selfish. And I thought, "who cares." when she stopped talking to me. During our trip, we spent a week together in the same hotel room and I notice how she was. The way she talks to her parents was like, wow so cute because she seem so sweet and family oriented just like the way I am with my momma and poppa. She really knows how to take care of her brother. They're like friends almost. When she yelled at him. Oh man....so cute.heh Such a bossy little woman.
I couldn't get my eyes off her through out the whole week. I kept looking at her straight in the eyes when she talked which I never do. Watched her walk away while I pretend to be left behind. It was great, I couldnt get enough of her. :) I'm not too sure why all of a sudden I started liking her. I hope to either let this feeling dissappear or hold on to it in hope for a chance to be with her. I really don't want to say anything wrong and then end up not seeing her again. If we're only going to be friends, it's going to suck but better than not knowing her at all. Maybe one day I'll start bitching her out again and everything will be normal once more, but right now I still want her. So hear my cry and give me a chance Ha. :)
|Sunday, August 22nd, 2004|
|Back from Florida
Well, I'm back from Florida early. I thought it'd be great being the weather was horrible and all, but man I been pretty depressed since. I loved it in Florida, not because of Florida itself, but because of the friends I was with there. I hadnt hung out with friends in the longest time and it has been lonely let me tell you that. Chris, Victor, Nancy, Ha and myself shared the hotel. It was really cool. Victor didn't have fun from the looks of it, he was quiet most the time, but hey I had a good time. All my fun was from the hotel. We talked and drank and made some noise. On the first day we went to MGM Studios, which was bleh. The weather was so freaking hot and humid I sweated profusely and everyone else were pretty dry. Pff that made me look weak, but its ok for now. and on top of that, Ha looked really grumpy for some reason which made everyone else all grumpy. I kinda regretted inviting her so I was kinda mad. We went to Animal Kingdom the second day and everyone was all happy again. Ha looked a lot happier that day. She appeared really cute, and what she wore looked really cute. That made me smile the whole day pretty much, because she looked cute and she seemed really happy which was really cute. So yeah, she was cute. :)
I wore this straw skirt there all day and it was kinda funny but I liked it. We went to this barn there and this goat cam eand ate my skirt but I didn't even know that. I looked over and it was chewing at it willingly. It was funny.heh
We didn't spend the whole day there, we probably left around 5pm I think and went to the Magical Kingdom which I spent most my time on the bleachers in this store just taking a nap while the girls went and got us a fast pass and do whatever they were doing.
On the 3rd day, we went our own ways. Victor and I went to Universal studios which was bleh. Hollywood was much better. Ha, Nancy and Chris went to Epcot. I wanted to go there also, but I wanted to go to Universal because Victor wanted to and I didn't want to ditch him. I wanted to spend the day with Ha, but hey I had to sacrifice and be a good friend. The highlight of the day was eating at Emeril's Tchop chop, which was really good and had awesome service. Anyhow, we came home early around 8pm and stayed at the hotel cleaning up and got ready to go home. Ha and the gang didn't back until 11pm or so. When they got back I was pretty happy, but at the same time, even more tired and half asleep. I filmed the last nite there which was pretty cool. I tried as much as possible to get Ha in the video also to have memories of that nite with all of us. It was great. I came back from the trip Saturday afternoon and was pretty excited to be home again and away from the horribly sunny weather of Florida. Ha's parents gave us a ride home. The moment I stepped out of the car and watched them row away from my house, I felt sad and empty thinking to myself....I won't see them again for quite awhile and will really miss them, but mainly Ha because I've gotten a crush on her again. Its a feeling eveyrone should be happy about, but when you feel like thish and the other person never feels the same back, its a bitch. I just hope I'm not feeling this way for nothing, because I really want to be with her now and get to know her even more. It would be great to do something alone together one day instead of having the gang around. Starting tonite, I will pray that one day I will fine true happiness and that I can be with her more than just friends. I feel like saying "I love you Ha." But I won't, because I don't want to keep my hopes up on something that probably won't work out. In conclusion, the trip was great, being home sucks. :)
|Saturday, July 31st, 2004|
Progress, need to become a better person, need a girlfriend. :)
|Friday, July 23rd, 2004|
Man, what happened to me? I use to be so...what you call it, confident. Everyone I see, I figure I could kick their ass. Now when I see them, I hesitste for a challenge. I'd be thinking, "Can I take this guy?" The me of the past would have thought, "Fuck this, I don't care how big or skilled you are, I'm going to kick your ass." Everyone I fought I kicked their ass. The bigger they were, the more my ass got pounded but I fought back and showed them what I'm all about. I'm all about compressed aggression, silent and confident knowing the fate of everyone I fight. The biggest guy I remmeber fighting was at the martial arts gym. We sat in a circle and hand picked our own opponent. I picked out the biggest and tallest guy there was. I checked out how he fought and initiated my attack after I learned his capabilities. Everyone was shocked when I got him on the floor and it got me really known in that gym. More guys started challenging me, I ended up mopping the floor with every single student. Hesitant to ask, I approached my sanshou instructor and asked if I could spar with him. He smirked and I got my match. I lost the first time we fought, but just only 3 months later I had a rematch and won. That made me become the youngest instructor at that gym. I was so confident, but I wasn't full of myself. I respected people and never underestimated anyone eventhough I'll always think I will win. Now I'm just a washed up has been who haven't trained in years, instead I been just lifting weights to feel my void in martial arts. I'm bigger and more cockier than now. What I got to show today doesn't phase what I got to show at my best. At best I was a fighter. Right now I'm just an improbable muscle bound who has no real fight in him. Now I'm all show and no game, before i was no show but game. Blah, the turn towards my future doesnt look so bright. I started boxing and I been losing to just about eveyrone, my knowledge practically left me an empty shell. My power is gone even though im bigger now than ever. My speed definately deserted me. I'm no longer a speed demon but a short mammoth sloth.
Anyhow, what has been aggravating me latey is that Danny kicked my ass. He use to be nothing to me. He's been training and his punch got so much harder and it definately hurt. His skills still are lacking but boy does he ever have power. I fought him and my punches doesnt even phase him. Boy do I ever need practice. I been out of training for too long, but lately i been trying to get back into it, but it seems like im not suppose to improve. I been getting injurred left and fight and getting sick, that made me lose so much training. I want to get better. I need to trim up, get stronger, get more power in my punches, and get my legs back and move like grease lightning. I need to fasten my jabs, and learn to use it as an arsenal. I DEFINATELY need a power blow for someone who passes my jabs. I want revenge, I want to kick Danny's ass. The reason it's getting to me so much is that HE USE TO BE NOTHING TO ME. We were in the same weight class and now he outweighs me by 20-30 lbs. I've gotten so shitty statistically also. There's so much obstacle for me to go through to get better. Biggest obstacle of all is my studies, which will become my life. I'm a supposed artist. A wannabe artist needs plenty of time to better themselves just like a boxer does. Boxing and my computer Arts major both require a lot of my time. It is both conflicting. What do I want more? Of course the obvious is to become a better fighter, but the one i need is the one that will take care of me in the future. I dont know, whatever lies ahead of me, I want to be the best at it. I'm an aggressive fucker. I need the skills and talents to compliment. I'm a mind wandering artist, I need patience and creativity. I want to be the silent aggressor that infiltrate their enemy with creativity.
|Thursday, June 3rd, 2004|
Oui, she's this vietnamese chic that I use to always argue and made fun of. Sometimes(rarely) I'd be nice to her, but then I'd break that and start being obnoxious and start making fun of her and she would do the same back. I met her through nancy and to be honest I never really liked this chic, she was kind of annoying. But a couple weeks ago, for some strange reason i just decided to ask her to go on a trip with us. So now both nancy and oui will be going on the trip with us and they are doing all the planning. Anyhow, we went on hiking with eachother. Me, Victor, Nancy and Oui. During the trip I started noticing how cute she really was. I tried not to look at her so it wouldnt make me look like I like her so I walked ahead. I just let victor walk behind with them so he could talk while I head up. Usually I get tired the first few minutes walking up but man that day I forgot about being tired and kept walking up and up. Anyhow I got kinda jealous seeing victor talk to her but I tried to not make it obvious. When we were climbing rocks, victor gave Oui a hand to help her down the rocks, I thought to myself "damn it, he touched her." I got jealous and wanted to be the one that did that. All of a sudden, she seemed so cute to me. She was so tiny I kept picturing myself holding her by her hips and hug her. :D But yeah stupid crush, I'll get over it, I mean come on, I'm not suppose to like her. She's just my friend and she's annoying. B-)
|Friday, May 28th, 2004|
Maria, Maria. I had a wierd dream of her last nite, a pleasant one if you were I and a unpleasant one if you were someone in love with her. The dream lead to one another, and the first one pioneenered it all. Ciro, Maria and I were sitting in his car. It was dark, the sky was unlit and inside of the car, the car light glowed in low profile showing shadows over our face and highlights on the edge of our skin. Ciro sat on the passenger seat looking back talking as Maria and I sat in the back seat. As for Victor and Clete, they weren't there at the moment, but are in the dream. Clete played a small role, an invisible role with no dialogue, his presence was there but unseen and heard. Victor was in the store getting milk. Ciro and Maria were talking and joking and then hugged eachother I guess as a joke? I don't know, but they were laughing and said "Don't tell victor this." Ciro apparently looked all proud of it and was all in smile boasting his charms on me. I thought "blah" and stayed quiet. Maria turned to the side and looked at me. She then climbed herself on top of my lap and sat facing forward staring into my eyes with her legs on each side and her ass rubbing against my crotch. I sat stiff with a mindless intervention. She close her head towards my face and gave me a kiss on the cheek and hopped right off my lap and back on her seat, right behind ciro in his front passenger seat. Ciro got jealous and stayed quiet and I thought "wow....i like that." Victor came walking out of the store with a jug of milk in his hand all happy. Maria looked at him all wierd and he looked back at all of us wondering what just happened like a prison joe itching to know what the hell television is after being released from the slammers.
The one following this dream is a blur to me. I remember it very vaguely. I appeared to be suave and had a voice that was simply irresistable. I spoke my words in sophisticated english tongue like a cultivated Don Juan without his philandering. Maria came to me one morning and said to me, " I don't know how you feel about me, but I like you a lot.." in exact words as she turned her back with her head still attention towards me gazing in my eyes waiting for a response. I slowly stepped forward and stuck out my hand out signalling her to hold on. "You really like me?" Maria stopped and replied "Yes, I'm I love you." Everything else in between here and later are all blurry still to me, but I resisted her. Taking Victor inconsideration, I didn't want to mess around with her. Although it didn't feel coy, I still didn't want to go through with this.
Although I didn't want to take her as my gf, I still suaved her with my voice, telling her if my friend wasn't so into her, I would in a heart beat pick her up and make love to her. She didn't go away and eventually we started becoming closer, talking and joking and touching eachother and kissing and then kissing became more passionate. Secretly, we became lovers. We made love. The next day inside a bank right before the exit, Maria and I were holding hands then Kerry(her fiance) walked in and looked all disfuctional. "What the hell....? whos this guy?" Maria looked down ashamed. I took her chin by my 2 fingers and lifted it up towards my face and kissed her. As she reached her hand over to grab me, i reciprocated and made out with her heedlessly in love. That's all I remembered really until my brother woke me up to drive him to work. Such a great dream. I've always disliked Maria for the way she treats Victor(my best bud).
She's so selfish and annoying. Common sense wise, she is a moron. She doenst consider things before she talks and she uses guys. She's one manipulative bitch. She hasnt done anything to me yet except say that I smell like rice and "ohhh you're so short, its cute." Blah what an annoying chick. But still, why did I have such a dream? She was so irresistable in there. I'm in love with the maria of my dreams. haha
Hopefully I won't see her for a long time and this dream will blow off so I won't feel wierd around her. >: )
|Thursday, May 20th, 2004|
Well a lot has been going on, I haven't been writing in my journal. Again, my life feels hollow. Society once again grows older and myself just stays in the shadow people leave behind. I've had many opportunities to make better of myself, but all I do is evert my attention to more useless turns. If only my eyes could see what people see to evolve their mind.
The past 2-3 weeks, my friend Clete came over to visit. I had an awesome time and it made me completely carefree of what's going on around me. School, work, girls, and importance of progressing was forgotten when I remembered to have fun. The stress I bore ceased, but today Clete left and now again I'm a friend short. We're back to round 2, just ahead of childhood and in between success.
Sometimes I wonder if fate is embedded in our soul. I remember a line Tom Cruise said in The Last Samurai when he was told of his fate and said something like fate not being revealed until you find it.
I wonder then what my fate will reveal before my eyes submerge.
To me, loneliness is a persons' worst enemy. Without anyone, you have no competition to better yourself. You have no motivation, no stride in life. When you're alone, you just don't feel like doing anything. The world dies on you, you die. There is no more substance.
|Sunday, March 21st, 2004|
|She doesnt love me anymore...
You know what...I really dont think Erin loves me anymore. Its like when I was with Ladema, she did the same thing to me. I call her and she answers me talking all normally, but after taht she tells me she'll call me back and never again have I heard from her again. I got snobbed without being told. I was just hinted. Looks like Erin is doing the same to me at the moment. 2 days now, she stopped wanting to talk to me. She said she'll call me back and a few hours later. Hi there, thanks for not calling me back. You should have at least tell me you didn't want to talk. What kind of fucked up shit is this? I'm really getting tired of it now. You know Erin....I really cared for you and nown I don't even know anymore. After getting scrubbed so many times, its gotta be more than just suck. What do I believe? I believe Erin doesn't want to be with me no more. If so, I hope she tells me soon because I don't want to be left hanging like this. It hurts too much and I think this will be the last time I'm gonna approach her unless she does something about it. I'm tired of being the one thats always being let down. I really hate my life. :)
|Saturday, March 20th, 2004|
|A lonely saturday morning.
I been thinking a lot lately. I've been wondering if Erin still cares for me as much as she did. Lately I've realized I've hadnt given her as much attention as she deserves. It's just that I've been quite worried lately to the extent of stressing me out. I come to see her, but my mind just isnt there with her, its wandered somewhere else and it makes me look like I don't care for her no more, but I do. I still love that girl so much. Last nite I laid oh my bed and couldnt get her out of my mind. I miss how we use to talk to each other frequently and non-stop, saying even the most pointless things to eachother. That relationship between us has spread to a bigger gap. We don't talk as much as we use to anymore. Maybe it's because of me, but I don't want to blame it all on myself. I mean, it takes 2 for this kind of thing to happen. And she's not helping much either. I think deep inside she's blaming me even though she doesn't say that. I really don't want to hurt her. Thinking of her brought tears to my eyes. My chest stung like it usually does when I get hurt emotionally. A sharp sting that hurts internally. I keep feeing bad, my life isn't going according to planned. I'm so worried about what's going to happen 10 years from now. I don't have the motivation for anthing anymore, everythning seems to be leaving me. My desire fades as I become more aware of the success' people have that I don't have. I really want to become a better person, but when you're lonely all the time, it's hard to do what you want to do. There's no strive, no intent, no motivation and most of all, there's too much worries. I miss Erin so much right now, I wish everything would be fine again.
Yesterday morning, I went to the hospital by 7am. My sister was giving birth to her new baby. She was born 9:37am and weighed ummm 6-7 lbs and 19 inches long. Cute girl. I finally got to hold her at around 6pm when we came back to visit her again. The girl's name is Mija(Mia) Aileen Torres. Honestly, I think it's a horrible name, but hey it's cool. I wanted to tell Erin this news when I got home, but she never came on. I guess she's avoiding me again. She's been avoiding me a lote lately. Sometimes I call her and she'd be doing something else instead of wanting to be with me. She even tells I'm boring now and she rather do something else. Ah, that really hurts. But you know what? If she wants to do that to me...well then fuck her. If she doesn't love me anymore, then I shouldn't be all hurt about this I should just move on. Life fucking sucks.
|Wednesday, February 25th, 2004|
|I miss you.
Sitting on my bed right now. Just thinking...thinking. I remember when there was a better yesterday and the tomorrow was another feel good day. Now I only see the yesterday that was miserable, and tomorrow is waiting to come and claim. Again, I'm getting older and I still haven't achieved anything. I still feel like the 3 year old kid that wanders away far from home and pees his pants standing there crying helplessly drawing attention for help.
I've been remembering the past thats not too far from now. Tonite I rememer my dog. A golden pomeranian. It's so cute. I remember it always climbing up on top of our white leather couch looking out the window on sunny days. It would bark at people it does not recognize, entering our house and come find us and continues to bark, warning us of someone coming. What I also remember is how it is always on top of that couch and we're always knocking her off it because she always dirty the couch. Sometimes we would get mad that she keeps crawling back on the couch and we would just come knock it off w/out warning. It was mean but we still loved it. We're just taking advantage of what we got. I also remember when it keeps running beneath my bed, shedding it's fur underneath it. It would piss me off and I would yell it to come out and it would be afraid to come out and I'd have to take a stick and scare her out. I also remember when I come home from school or anywhere, she'd be sleeping there at the stairs near the front door. Everything I remember, I only remember it because it was there and it happened. I also remember it even more because its gone.
I feel the same about Erin right now. Lately, we've been pretty distant towards eachother, maybe because of what I've said to her lately. I have this feeling she's starting to be awkwards towards me even though she says it is nothing and over with. I love that girl and if I lost her, I would remember her always and hurt. We haven't really said we love eachother like we usually do. We've said it a few times, but it doesnt feel the same anymore. I don't feel that she means it. And when she says it to me, I'm scared to say it back. I hope it's just a phase, because it's really scaring me and I want it over and normal again. I called her last nite to tell her I love her, but when I did, her response back didn't hold me. It felt like a push away, I didn't feel she meant it. Earlier when I saw her, I talked to her but she didn't respond til way later, and when she did, she only said bye and talk to you later. It sounds like applying for a job and the recruiter tells you they'll call you back. You're going to call me back later Erin? I feel you're rejecting me. You're slowly letting go of my hand, anticipating the sweat of my palms to sweat and slip as you distant yourself, echoing your face further away. You want to evade. I want to dry my hand and hold you tighter, you're not going away. I love you. What's happening Erin? I miss you. I love you.
|Tuesday, February 24th, 2004|
|Whats going on...?
Another nice day today. Is it now? Let's just see what is going on lately. Again, I don't feel so right. There is something lurking inside me telling me I should hate myself. Well I'm listening to it, I don't like myself. I feel weak and flimsey. I just want to lay here all nite and not go to school. 12:10 am right now, less than 5 hours to sleep and I don't feel so great, it's gonna be a horrible day tomorrow. All day, or even starting last nite I've been feeling like shit. Feel so dirty...
Last nite, talking to Erin, 5-10 minutes before I went to bed, I was pretty happy, pretty cool, the typical Mr.Tu, but Erin made me feel pretty bad about myself. I made her do naughty stuff for me and well she didn't want to but I kept forcing her and forcing her so that I would happy, I wasn't thinking about how she would feel, or I was thinking but it's as if I didn't care. I care for what I wanted more than what she wanted. Whats wrong with me, I shouldnt be doing this to her. Well I don't even mean to really. The more I fall in love with her, the more I wanna do things with her, dirty things. Everyday I talk to her, every day I know her, it adds to the tension because it’s the more I want to show her I love her and do really really naughty things. Erin said she don’t mind this and that she wanted to so why don’t I believe her? Well it’s because she always complains about it, its not that her family is there or anything. Even when they’re not there she would come up with an excuse always. And you know what? That really makes me feel like a real pervert. Am I a fucking pervert? Is that what she is thinking? I sure hope not...
Even if she say she’s not thinking that, deep inside I believe she really thinks that of me. I’m a dirty fucker. I should stop. I don’t mind her complaining, I find it cute to be honest, but when she told me she likes doing those things for me and then complain about not being able, it’s really telling me something. I understand that she’s shy and all, but she didn’t have to keep saying and hinting me to just stop it, she should just tell me. She let me keep on going, and wow do I ever feel like a jackass and big time pervert even.
When I left last nite, my body felt tarnished and cold. I felt.............in pain. Millions of small needles poking my heart, my chest just burned. I felt dirty and not right, it’s been bothering me a lot all day. A few times today I just sat down and I would just think about it and it would hurt every single times. I’m taking a lot of stabbings, if I wasn’t strong willed, I’d hit the floor. Even sitting here writing this, I feel the pain, I just wanna cry, but my male side would just shut me up. I’m so sad.
Trying to fix the wrong all day, I’m trying not to be so attracted to her...aww man I keep feeling pains, the blood is just burning me right now... I’m so sad. But all day I been trying to not get so attached to her, trying to be casual as possible so that I wouldn’t feel so crazy about her. When I feel all crazy for her, I’ll just wanna be naughty with her, so I can’t do that no more. Well it just left me replaced with depression all day and I don’t know what else to do, I wish she would understand why I do the things I do and that she is the reason I’m ll like the way I am. I really wish she’d understand that and show me the same courtesy sometimes w/out me having to make her. If you love someone, you’d wanna do something for that person w/out them having to ask you, but.... I don’t know. I’m not blaming anything on her though, because it’s not her fault. It’s just I want so much. I swear, I wish I could handle the situation the way she can, it’s hard being so madly in love w/ someone and feeling like they don’t care for u as much as u care for them. I don’t know, I’m really sorry I even ever tried doing this with her. I should just let her choose to do it or not, because I don’t want to feel like a pervert again. I feel like such an ss hole I swear. I’ve made myself uncomfortable around her and worst of all I know she’s starting to get uncomfortable also. All day, we hadn’t talked much to each other. We just sat still exchanged a few casual words like strangers...god I don’t know what to do right now. I hurt so much right now its bothering me so much. Please help me. :(
What’s wrong with me, why does it have to be me thats so crazy over this girl. She’s the perfect girl I swear, and now I feel like I’ve done something so wrong to her. I don’t know, if she’s gonna hate me now or feel weird from this point forward, ah how am I going to handle this. It hurts so much.......its like already 12:46 am, i only got 4 hours to sleep now. I probably won’t be able to now. I wish I can just tell her that I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to force her to do anything.
I’m not gonna try again, don’t know how I will talk to her now. I can’t be myself no more, because myself is a fucking greedy pervert that wants everything from her.
So..........she doesn’t want to. So be it. Time to create a new me, because this one is an inconsiderate fucker.
|Monday, January 19th, 2004|
Ok I just had a dream, and this time I won't allow myself to forget it. Seemed pretty important to remember so I have to write it down. I woke up just now, it being 10: 30 only makes me so sleepy, but I can't forget it.
I had a dream about Erin last nite or not too long ago. It was pretty pretty cool, but pretty scary. I was a father of a baby that was just born. I forgot what we named her. And yup, its a girl. I remember laying on bed with her with Erin holding her. She was beautiful I swear, but kinda strange how she was so white and had blonde hair and already had an earring stud. Guess thats how I remembered it was a girl?haha But yeah Erin was holding her up looking at her face smile while she looked down back and smiled a really cute smile. I laid beside Erin has she lowered the little girl and set her aside me. I got scared move away a little and thought to myself, "If I sleep here, I might crush her." It was lotsa smile, my mom was so happy. The room was litted with the natural color of a light bulb luminancing of a cream glow and fading shadows conjurring in the room. The room being pretty small in my remembrance, yet huge looking as if it was viewed from a horizon standing about 3 feet away from the bed which was covered in white. Wrinkled white drapery engulfed in cream light and ramp black shadows laid randomly all over the bed reaching down to the ground with both Erin and I dressed in white hospital like pajamas. It felt warm, Erin looked so peaceful. Something went truly wrong when Erin disappeared from the picture unoticeably. I don't know what happened but she died and I was left with the baby all by myself. I had to take care of her but I felt ignorant. In the same room I was before, my mom and I talked about my responsibility with the baby. While she was laying on the bed next to me, she kept crying and crying and crying. I was kind of going insane so I rememberered what Erin did. I held her up in the air looking at her, but she kept crying and crying over the light. I got frustrated and my sister came in. "You dumbass, close the curtains, shes not ready for the light." So she closed the blinds and my little girl stopped crying. Wierd thing that don't make sense in the dream: Didn't I already have my blinds closed and it was already dark?l Oh well, this dream is against me. Looking up the at the corner of the ceiling, the sky to heaven softly eminated from atop. A flock of seagals flew across the room and turned into orange light dissappearing as it stretch it's distance as it transcended the area. Erin's face appeared and smiled at me. She said something to me which I don't remember at all and disappeared as I looked up at her holding my baby in my arms smiling back. Moments later my sister came in with her pregnant pomeranian dog. It started having puppies like 101 Dalmation. It was pretty awesome, there were a buncha cute puppies that were already grown coming out of her cooch.lol
I swear, it was so cute. The mom was breast feeding her puppies laying on her back with her paws sticking up with a bend and her feet laying on the groud spread. like 4-5 puppies scrambled all over her tummy sucking on her nipples. There was this one aggressive puppy, it climbed wildly over it's mom(apparently male) pushing it's brothers and sisters aside. I swear, it was cute. Anyways, my sister then told me "It's yours take care of it!" Before I could saying "BUT!" She was already gone and my mom was saying to me "More responsibilities." I woke up, walked the dogs in the park with a bunch of leash strung from me to them with my baby in one arm and in the other, I held the leash. It was a nice bright sunny day with a lot of green trees resembling a scene from a movie's typical looking park. It was pretty cool I thought. When I got home from the walk, I went in the kitchen and saw the puppies' mother walking slowly under the glass table and through the pillars of the chairs. Facing her ass, I was looking down at her standing up. My mom and I saw the dog's breast sag to the ground and back up alil then sagged again as it dragged it's breast like a piece of noogie(saliva) spat out but keeps yo yo'ing back in and never leave. I laughed, but it was sad. :(
I got back into my room and played with the baby and the puppies when the sky heaven opened up again at the exact same spot before. A flock of seagals flew out and disappeared, a face appeared again and I thought to myself, "I don't know if I can handle all this, I'm stressing out." I was about to ask Erin for help. As I was about to speak, I woke up. Sat in bed for awhile thikning "Will I remember this dream later?" I doubt I would remember it, so I hurried down and kept my memorance.
|Sunday, January 11th, 2004|
|How do i feel now?
It’s been a few days now, and we seem to be closer in my opinion. I can sing sappy songs to her, embarrass myself and not worry about her thinking I suck. I know I suck, but I just want to do something for her and have her love me for it. It would be awesome if she would sing for me also, but I’m not going to make her. It’s cute how she’s so shy about it. She think she has a nasty voice, so I guess it probably really is why she doesn’t want to sing, but I think she has a beautiful voice. Her voice is so calm and serene. She’s got the cutest giggles. Its amazingly cute. When she giggles, it never fails in making me smile. It’s so soft, I really don’t know how to describe it. You’ll just have to picture it yourself. :)
When she laughs, awww man my face just lights up with the biggest smile, my teeth just escapes my lips. I swear, she makes my mouth sore every time I talk to her. I always end up trying to massage my face with my hands from the sore and I’m always thinking “awww wow it feels great, I made her laugh. WOOOOPIEEEEEEEE!!! Such an awesome feeling.”. I can’t stop from smiling when I’m with her. When she speaks, my god.....she sounds like an angel. So sweet....so soft...so peaceful, so gentle. It’s the most beautiful voice I have ever heard hands down. I don’t see why she hates it so much, I love it. :(
I always love her catch phrase “yepper(the way she says it), yeppp, naww etc” Awwww it’s so sweet so cute when she says it. It fits her so nicely. I love it when she says my name, no one can say it better than she does. When she says my name, I become so calm. Her voice relaxes me, makes me feel like a new newborn, I love it so much. Who needs an angel when I have her to say such melodical words in my ears. Awwww man....she’s amazing. :)
Lately she’s been speaking to me a lot more, and sounding even more cute, even when she’s so tired and sleepy. I sense a calm feeling in her and in myself. I’m not sure why really. But it feels really nice. I can tell her more things than I usually can now. I don’t have to try and be so tough anymore, because really I’m not tough at all. She’s changing me so much, I want to do even more for her now. You know, she’s the reason I’m still trying to be a better person. She’s my inspiration. She makes me want to accomplish things so I can impress her. I would have given up on many things if it wasn’t for her. She gave me more hope, and more reasons to become a better person. I want to be a better person for her, because I don’t feel like I’m good enough yet and I want to improve on that. I still want to tell her I love her, but maybe that should be saved for another day. Right now I feel ok with what I got so far.
Erin Peekeekoot is the cutest girl I’ve ever known. And she even has the name of a pokemon!(Pikachu lol) So cute! Physically I don’t care what she looks like. Her personality has engulfed all my attention towards any and not just her apparent features, her looks. Everything I know about her, I refuse to forget. I acknowledge everything she does and I look at her like a prized possession. Like a prized possession? She’s my prized admiration. I keep my eyes peeled, I pay close attention to her, watching out for her as much as I can. Even though I can’t stop her from putting herself in precarious positions, I still have to use the side of persuasion to lure her away from poise. I don’t own her, and nor will I ever own her, because she is herself to own and I want to belong to her. She’s got me wrapped in frustration. Everything she says, I just want to wrap my arms around her, pull her close against me and just squeeze her and feel her, and feel her reaching back to reciprocate.
I’ve always liked her really, but I finally slowly started liking her more and more. About over a year ago when something happened to her. This black guy, what a fucking ass hole. Did stuff to her I don’t even wanna say what it is. I hate it so much. It changed her so much, got her so sad all the time. I wish I was there to do help her, hold her and let her cry on my shoulder and tell her everything is alright. I feared for her, those ass hole black dudes scarred her. I wanted to just hurt them so badly. I tried my best to not talk about the situation and just make her laugh. Made me feel great when I made her laugh. It was great. :)
We got even closer from there on. She didn’t think I’m as much as an ass hole anymore huh? I don’t think she really ever did except for when we first met, but still, she found the fruity guy in me I didn’t want to show her. Once she found that part of me, I never hid it again. She set me free. We spend late nights talking to each other. I love how she would spend nights wasting her time away with me and us not wanting each other to leave. I love how she listens to me, and doesn’t want me to hate her so she sacrifice things so that I wouldn’t get upset. I don’t know, she seems to care what I think. It makes me feel special around her. The more special she made me feel, the more I fell for her. Months later she met this guy Chad she was attracted to. She liked him, I was ok with it, but she kept talking about him and having such a crush over him so it started to get to me. I hesitated...and pretended not to care. Finally I started dreaming of them together, walking away leaving me behind an un-lit area with spot lights on them walking away in the rain holding hands. I called for them, she looked back emotionlessly. I didn’t want to lose her and admitted to myself. I do love with her. I kept pretending not to care about her and Chad. It bothered me a lot every single time she talked about him, but I still wanted to know. I want to know everything she thinks, bad or good I want to hear it . When she spent time alone with Chad at his house, it made me sooooo jealous, I didn’t want to show it because “Hey....I’m not a wuss.”
Just three days ago I told her how I felt, I was so shocked to hear what I heard from her. Made me so happy. My eyes which were low cast in light, glowed. It lifted a bent line on my face and turned it into a soft released smile. Along with the smile, relieved frustration turned to happiness. The storm in my heart rushed away full speed like the passing of a year in one second uncovering a sun, perfect like the glow of a descending angel, slowly reaching it’s arms to carry you away into light. It was an amazing feeling. The night before that, my chest was storming inside like acid rain attacking me from the inside delivering a shower of burn concentrating on a focused target at my heart. It hurt me quite so. A part of me wanted to let the pain go, but the guy inside me said to not be a selfish idiot fruitcake and ruin what I already had like the two bozos Brad and Brian did. I swear, I just wanted to punch Brad for even attempting to try a sneaky thing like that on her and when he didn’t get what he wanted, he snobbed her. I wish Erin could have just cussed him out rather than being so kind to him like she always is. A trait I love so much in her.:)
Because I listened to the guy inside me, I never got to know how Erin really felt and it frustrated me so much. She gave me more reasons to not tell her how I feel every time she talks about me being with another girl or saying that she cared for me as a friend. That made me think, she doesn’t want to be with me, and she only sees me as a friend. What a confusing girl. This one morning before work, she told me she had a dream about me in this gray farmer truck. She had fun and all that stuff, but she left the rest for a few days later because I kept bothering her about it. I wonder if she wanted me to know or not because she kept mentioning it. So I really wanted to know. She said “We were like the best, best friends, became even more than friends. We hugged and tickled each other. Did a lot of things together.” I thought....wow.....I want that to be real. I thought, why would she dream up something like that so I became even more curious and wanted to really know. Four nights ago we talked for a long time and I got all weird on her because I for sure really wanted to know what’s up. I didn’t realized how selfish I was being, so I kept bugging her about and embarrassed her. She got upset and didn’t talk to me all day. I felt like I hurt her. I wanted to say sorry to her all day but she never showed up. I decided I should sacrifice my day and wait for her, and then finally she was there late at night. Didn’t even talk to me so I started it myself. It was uncomfortable for awhile, but I tried to talk to her, refusing to be another Brad or Brian. I’m Andy, I’m not an idiot to lose her over something like that. Although I was dying inside, I couldn’t succumb to their level. Guilt ate me inside, finally I confessed. I needed to let her know how I feel or I’ll never sleep. It was so hard to say it, one of the hardest thing for me to do, but I told her anyways. In a way, I told her I care for her more than just a friend. And she told me she felt the same for me. She’s been thinking about the things I been
thinking about for so long now, how was she able to be stronger than I am and keep that kinda feeling hidden. But finally she told me what I wanted to hear, I wanted more but this is all I will ask from her for now. Now I know she really cares. It got me all emotional, I love her so much. :)
I’ll wait for her as long as I can, no matter what she ends up doing or who she’s with. I’ll be her best friend, I’ll wait, and I’ll see, and maybe one day she’ll remember me. And if she’s still the same Erin that I’ve grown fond of, the one I find so adorable and can never stop thinking of, I’ll be a breath away for her, hoping she’ll wait for me like I will wait for her. And if I must, I’ll come to her if she is willing to accept me. :)
|Wednesday, December 31st, 2003|
|Another Depressing Day
Well, it looks like it has been another depressing day for me. I did a lot of work today. Fixed the bathroom, painted it and changed the counter. Well, more like I helped out through out the day, but that's not why I'm depressed. I felt normal, not sad nor happy. It was just another day really, a tiring one but still another day. I thought of Erin all day, wanted to talk to her but I couldn't because I had things to do and couldn't see her. You know though, I should have at least checked to see if she was around. I wanted to, I even said I would see her today but I guess I didn't. I kind of blame myself for this. But before I blame myself, lets get to the reason. I think Erin broke her promise to me. She told me she was going to do this for me, and for herself but I guess she failed. I swear, I wish I saw her today to keep her here with me, it's a lonely New Years and it would have been awesome if she was here with me right now. Instead, I think she went out partying again. Maybe she won't drink, I dont know, I wish I could trust her. I know she wanted and meant to keep her promise on not partying again and it's not like I don't believe her, I do, but I just know that she wouldn't be able to do what she said. I know her, thats why I believe this. And I want to save her from any harm, watch her and protect her. I'm here thinking of her right now, what shes doing. Afraid she might do something she would regret or something bad might happen to her and I'm afraid of her meeting someone and falling for them. It sucks thinking about it, I know I wont see her my whole life, but I just want to hold on to the hope that I will know her forever and be happy. Seeing her with Chad, or even picturing her with someone at that just scares me. Makes me feel so lonely. There's no one I rather be with than her and if she dissapears from me, then my life would be complete no matter who I get to meet or share my moments with. There won't ever be a girl like her. She's the sweetest girl I ever known. And words can't describe how cute she is to me, she's my heart, if it goes away I wont feel. I still wonder what she's doing right now. I been waiting on her for hours and I get darker even more watching the time collide. I wish, if there's any luck, that she'd think of me like I think of her. Maybe one day I could see her infront of me and tell me what I want to hear. AND MAN!!! GET THAT PICTURE OF HER KISSING CHAD OUT OF MY HEAD!!! ITS DRIVING ME NUTS! AHHHh :(
oh well, if I can't pass being just friends, then I'll just have to live with it. I'll still love her no matter what she does or who she ends up with. I'll be there to watch her back if she ever wants me to. :)
|Sunday, December 14th, 2003|
I'm selfish. I get so jealous thinking about Erin, I think about the things she does, it doesn't bother me. But I think about the stuff she does with certain people and the stuff that chains her with another person, it frustrates me. I think about losing her to someone else and forget that I'm not suppose to care. I know she's just a friend, but I can't help but think of her beyond that. I know I can't have her, I know she don't want me, but I'm still in denile. I don't like it when she goes out and party, or get drunk because I know that things could happen and will happen and I don't want it to happen to her. I say I want to protect her, but my mind conflicts that it's she that i want to protect me. It is she that I want by my side, and it is she who will I feel could save me from the gallows.
The thing she does, it doesn't matter what she does, as long as she comes back to you is when you realize the reality. I know that, but cannot help but to deny it. And it's not like the movies, I'm afraid if she leaves, she won't come back and I worry. New Years is coming, and she's gonna head to another party, I will selfishly act jealous upon thinking about her with another guy and or chad... I'm selfish because I want her for myself. Greedy because I think of myself before her, but I'll continue to be her listening ear and her playful companion til she's move to another well fitting person. I get sad.
|Tuesday, November 25th, 2003|
|Nice Guys Finish Last
It’s amazing that assholes can get girls. Actually, now that I think of it, it’s not that amazing. They are assholes at heart, but to meet girls they lavish their undying love. IT’S A CHARADE. They act nice, friendly, and they listen… until they get into what they’re after. Their prey thinks they are in love with them, however when they realize what assholes their predators really are, they pretend like the asshole is really nice inside. The girl tries to change the asshole into a nice guy, but assholes will always be assholes. She gets upset and goes to the nice guy to complain about the asshole. But she claims to love the asshole… now this is where the theory begins. She doesn’t want to look like she is easy so she wont dump the asshole right away, instead she will stay with the asshole. Girls are idiots. They don’t realize that the nice guy has been there all along. He never had to pretend to be a good guy to get girls because he is naturally like that. However, girls don’t see it for some reason or another. They look at the nice guy as a friend, a trusted companion to whom they can tell their sad story to about their asshole boyfriend. But the nice guy isn’t THAT naïve. He was trying to score with the girl he listens to all along. The problem is that since he is a nice guy he keeps listening. Since girls get attached to things that pay attention to them, they think of the nice guy as a friend. A FRIEND. They don’t say, “Oh he’s hot” or “I want to have his children” about the nice guy, they just want the emotional support. When they get the emotional support from the nice guy, they don’t need it from the asshole. The nice guy gets the shit end of the stick while the asshole gets all the action. I am starting to wonder if being a nice guy is really the route to take to get action… I have been down this path for all of my post-pubescent life and it has gotten me NOWHERE… at least not in the women department. Perhaps another reason why girls fall for the asshole is because assholes ignore the girl they are with. The women wonder, “Why isn’t he paying attention to me?” so they explore why. They poke and prod and get closer to the asshole. They start to get easier with each attempt to get closer. The asshole finally says, “I’ve let this beauty dangle long enough, time to boat this bass”. It is then he puts on his charade and the girl feels like she has won him… even thought all she has won is an asshole. Once you have gone down the path as a nice guy or a “listener” you can’t turn back. The girl will always go after the assholes because there are always nice guys there to listen. Once you realize that you are a “listener” you cant do anything about it… just pack up and close shop. There is no way you will get into her pants… ever. There is and never will be a situation where the nice guy will get the girl he has a crush on. It just doesn’t work like that. The girl wont “come to her senses” and realize what an asshole her boyfriend is like in the movies… instead she will just go after another asshole, and unless you stop being a nice guy, she will never go after you. Women complain that there are no nice guys in the world. Right. They are obviously not looking hard enough because there are nice guys EVERYWHERE!!!! Girls aren’t looking for nice guys… they say they are but they’re not. They are looking for the perfect asshole, but there is NO SUCH THING as the perfect asshole. All in all, the nice guy gets the shaft. To all the girls out there with boyfriends that don’t treat you with respect, that don’t listen to you, and that don’t care about you I say this; look next to you. The guy that has been standing next to you the whole time is the guy you have been looking for. He is what you want your asshole to be like. He knows more about you than you know about yourself… because he has listened to it all.
|Monday, November 24th, 2003|
One of my dreams have come true today for the bad. Ah sucks so badly.:(
The story of Chad and Erin has began emerging. Me and my stupid suggestions, "Go out with him." Ah...stupid me, but I just want her to be happy I guess. Can't keep her forever, its not like I will ever get a chance. Man........I'm so hurt inside. I knew all along that this day will come. I guess I was just in denial. Can't love what you can't have. I've broken that law and you wanna know how it feels? Great......yeah just great. Sarcasm....
Anyways......they hugged, they cuddled, they had a good time. Looks like it'll happen for sure...they're gonna be together and I'll be left in the dust. Good bye erin.......and hello loneliness. I don't blame Chad, im sure hes a good guy and hes lucky to have her. :(
well im too sad, gonna stop writing now.